Newsjack: Week 3

This has been my hardest week so far for Newsjack entries. The main story this week has been the terrible tragedy in Haiti, which I wouldn't even attempt to tackle. The rest of the news has been quite silly. e.g. Floor collapses at Weight Watchers meeting. Or the Mr Gay China event was cancelled... And one of the contestants was called Simon Wang!

With this silliness built into the news it doesn't give a wannabe comedy writer anywhere to go. The news is doing that self deprecating thing where it makes fun of itself before the bullies can. I feel like Papa Doc at the end of the last battle rap in 8 Mile.

Anyway, just for the record here are my rubbish entries for this week. This sketch is OK but the ending fizzles out and with hindsight it doesn't even make sense.

GRAMS. Military Procession Music.

GENERAL
William Wales, It gives me great honour to present to you these RAF flying Wings.

WILLIAM
Thank you Sir.

GENERAL
These Wings will allow you to pilot our Sea King Search and Rescue Helicopters. However, due to Military cut backs you can't because they're all broken.

WILLIAM
What about that one over there Sir?

GENERAL
That's an Ice Cream van Wales. Keep up.

WILLIAM
So there's nothing I can fly? How will I get to the Rugby this weekend?

GENERAL
Don't worry Willy! I've subscribed you to Aviation monthly. It's a fascinating new magazine where each month you collect a different Helicopter part. 36 months from now you'll be a Willy in a Sea King.

WILLIAM
But that'll take forever.

GENERAL
Nonsense! You get the first Two issues free.

This sketch is based on another one of this weeks really stupid stories.

MILES
N-Dubz singer Dappy is with us in the studio today. He was dropped by the government's anti-bullying charity after sending bullying text messages to a fan. That's a bit DJ Ironik.

DAPPY
Very clever what you did there Miles... but don't do it again.

MILES
Or what?

DAPPY
Or I'll update my Facebook status to say you're a Nob head.

MILES
But Dappy that would be classed as Cyber Bullying.

DAPPY
No way, I'm not a Cyberman! In the past few days I have stopped over 500 children from being bullied!

MILES
That's amazing! How did you do it?

DAPPY
It was easy, I just stopped threatening to kill them.

MILES
Right. It must have cost you a lot of money to harass so many people.

DAPPY
Not really, I was on O2's Jackass tariff.

MILES
OK, we're getting nowhere here. Dappy, are you 'For' or 'Against' bullying. Because you're sending out mixed messages.

DAPPY
Chill out Miles. You're worse than Ed Balls. And you know with a Surname like Balls he was definitely bullied!

MILES
That's it, I've had enough of you. Give me that stupid Hat!

DAPPY
Oi!

MILES
Now get out of my studio you Weasle faced Goat boy! ...Nobody's allowed to make fun of Ed 'Ball Bag' Balls except me!

Newsjack: Week 2

Here's my latest attempts at trying to get some material on to Radio 7's Newsjack. I will find out tomorrow if I've been successful.

After listening to last weeks show I realise that it's not going to be easy, the standard is very high. So instead of relying on sharp political satire, I've now decided to write jokes about Boobies!

News Headlines

Myleene Klass, The "Potters Bar Slasher", confirmed today that the Knife she used to frighten off a pair of intruders was nicknamed Lancelot, and had been chosen by 'James Prince' from Swindon.

Corrections

In last weeks immigration report, we stated that the current population of Great Britain was 65 Million. We should have added that this figure was expected to drop to 62 Million once all the Snowmen had melted.

Sketches

In a surprise twist to the format, the televised political debates are going to be shown over a week long run of 'Come Dine With Me'.

INTRO 'COME DINE WITH ME' MUSIC

Presenter
Day 1 and It's Gordon Brown's turn to cook.

Gordon
For starter I'm going to serve a traditional Scottish Broth.

Presenter
But that's not gone down well with first guest to arrive, David Cameron.

David
You've stolen this idea from my menu!

Presenter
Ooh! It's all kicking off!

Gordon
I've tried your Broth David. You've cut back on the Carrots, the Peas are non-existent and you've not adequately explained how you're going to pay for the Lamb.

Presenter
Blimey! Let's hope that the next guest to arrive, Nick Clegg, can calm things down.

Nick
To be honest, I can't tell the difference between either of your Broths.

Presenter
That'll be a 'No' then.

F/X DOORBELL RINGING - ARGUING VOICES.

Presenter
Oh! There's another guest at the door! It's SNP leader Alex Salmond. But wait! No one's letting him in!

SHORT MUSICAL INTERLUDE

David
I'm going to score Gordon's meal 6 out of 10. He would have scored higher but I didn't like the dumplings, in fact, I would have preferred it if Harriet Harman had kept her top on.

Acupuncture for Vampires

Newsjack: Week 1

Newsjack has started up again on Radio 7 and unfortunately it looks like I didn't get any of my submissions in this week.

It was a bit of a strange week as there's hardly ever any big news over Christmas so we had to write jokes looking back at 2009 and forward to 2010. Here's the one-liners I submitted. One of these jokes I think I might have subconsciously nicked from somewhere as it sounds very familiar. If you recognise a joke here let me know please so I can stop worrying about it.

2009/2010 Headlines

1.) This week Sir John Major criticised Tony Blair over the Iraq war, a mere Seven years after the invasion. Sir John, Or, 'The J-Dog', as he now likes to be called, finished the interview by wishing Sven and the boys the best of luck in Euro 2004.

2.) In 2009 Barack Obama won a Nobel peace prize. Whilst Gordon Brown didn't even make it to boot-camp.

3.) Boxer David Haye became World Heavyweight champion after dancing around 7 foot tall Nikolai Valuev for 12 boring rounds. The judge, a Mr Len Goodman, awarded Haye the points decision based on his footwork and swivelling Snake like hips.

4.) At Christmas Eve Mass the Pope, despite being armed with a large stick, was tackled to the ground by a girl. A few days later Silvio Berlusconi was assaulted with a miniature Cathedral. Fearing more embarrassing pansy-ish attacks on high profile Italians, the Super Mario Brothers have been placed under protective Police custody... In a Wendy House.

Vox Pops : Members of the Public Comments

1.) I don't understand politics, it's more complicated than a Dr Who Christmas special. So at the Election will Gordon Brown re-generate into David Cameron? And if so, does that mean William Hague is a Cyberman? You know, because of his shiny polished head?